Jasper Hale's Grocery Adventure
by The Legend of Rune Factory
Summary: It all started with a list... Poor Jasper just wants to be alone with his Styrofoam cartons, but unfortunately, his family makes that impossible. What's this? Alice and Rosalie are OCD? And Carlisle and Edward are...? Well, that was a surprise.


**Hey there, all you wonderful people. I'd like to point out a few things before we get this one-shot on the road.**

**First off, I am a TWILIGHT SAGA-HATER. That's right. I hated all the books, all the movies, all things Twilight. They just got worse from Twilight on down. Sorry, that's just my opinion. No one says you have to hate me for it.**

**Second, this was inspired by a picture my friend (A Twilight-lover and co-writer of this) showed me. It was Jasper's grocery list. On it, it said, "Blood. Blood. Bella." Bella was crossed out. Edward had written, "Haha, very funny Jasper."**

**Third, I have read the books. I've seen the first movie. I know what the vampires are like and how they are not like. A lot of things in this are what they are NOT like. Sorry.**

* * *

Alice and Jasper decided to go "grocery shopping" one fine, rainy day in the town of Forks. The female vampire glanced over her lover's shoulder. "What's that?" She asked sweetly, indicating the paper he held.

Jasper hid the bit of paper against his chest. "Nothing!"

"C'mon, tell me!"

"You don't need to know about it!"

"I thought you promised not to hide anything from me." Alice stared up at him, her amber eyes round and big.

He cringed as a small child passed him. Then he growled softly. "No."

She shook her head. "Come on then." She grabbed his wrist and led him through the store.

* * *

Upon their arrival back at the Cullen and Hale household, Jasper was setting all the groceries on the kitchen counter. He tried to hide the white Styrofoam cartons behind the lettuce. Rosalie walked by and picked one up. "What's this?"

"Put that down!" Jasper grabbed at it vain.

Rosalie sniffed it warily. "And why does it smell so good?"

He was finally able to wrench it from her grasp. He growled like a wild animal. "Get away!"

She backed up defensively. "Gees, calm down!"

Jasper watched her leave. Then he took all the cartons, dashed to his room, and stashed them in his decorative motorcycle. When he came back into the living room, Edward looked around in confusion.

"Where's Bella?" He asked slowly.

Jasper twitched slightly. "I-I don't know. AND DON'T LOOK IN THE CLOSET!!" He then used his awesome vampy powers to make everyone not feel the need to look in the closet.

"Hm. I don't think I'll look in the closet. She's probably with Jacob!" Edward dashed from the room, screaming, "I'll get you, you filthy _DOG_!"

As Jasper breathed a very long, very unneeded sigh of relief, Alice had a quick vision that lasted no more than five seconds. In it, she saw Rosalie wrap her arms around her lover's waist. Sensing that the intent was not to cause competition, Alice popped the question suddenly, "So, Jasper, what was on that slip of paper in the store?"

"Um… Nothing…" Jasper stuffed the paper in his mouth and swallowed it faster than the human eye could see. For a vampire, however, it was quite slow.

Rosalie grabbed his middle from behind as curiosity raged within her. "Spit it out!!" She shrieked as she began giving him the Heimlich Maneuver.

"Medical emergency!" Jasper choked in a last-ditch attempt to save himself from Rose.

Carlisle leaped in through the window gracefully. "Oh my God! There's a medical emergency!" Oddly, his voice had taken on a British accent. "It's a jolly good thing I've got my…MORPHINE!!" He pulled out a giant needle full of the medicine.

Jasper's eyes widened. "No! Carlisle, NO! Don't!"

It was too late, as the deranged, gay, and hopelessly confused doctor thrust the needle into the poor vampire's arm. Jasper soon stopped struggling and fell to the ground in a morphine-induced coma.

Rosalie ground her heel into his stomach one last time, and the bits of paper fluttered out of his mouth to the floor. She and Alice immediately rushed to put them back together, since both of them were secretly OCD.

Esme waltzed into the room innocently, not expecting to see Rosalie and Alice in OCD mode and Jasper unconscious on the floor. She went up to her husband and slapped him. "You morphine-addict!!"

"I'm sorry I changed you! I don't love you anymore! I'M FOR EDWARD!!" As Carlisle was confessing his love in a very loud voice, Esme went to open the closet and slam it shut just for something to slam shut (because we all know that slamming doors is fun).

However, she instead gasped when she saw Bella there, dead and pale. Esme began choke-sobbing, because vampires couldn't cry. Poor tearless Esme.

Edward eventually came back to the house to clean his hands, which were bloody from beating Jacob to literal death. He licked his lips. "Bella wasn't with the _DOGGY_!" He wailed.

Carlisle screamed like a Twilight fan-girl when he saw his love walk in. "I love you Eddie!"

Edward looked at the insane doctor. "What did you say?"

"I LOVE YOU EDWARD, MAH BOI!" Carlisle then tackled Edward to the floor as he was overcome with emotion, inadvertently messing up what little bit the girls had gotten together.

Alice roared in frustration. "No! You messed it up! Now the pieces are one centimeter out of line!! AGH! OCD…kicking in… Must fix grocery list!"

Rosalie agreed. "If I weren't so snobbish and OCD I might have to kill something… But that's beneath me!"

Emmett then walked in the living room. He looked around and saw Carlisle and Edward on the couch (needless to say, he considered calling the Volturi on the two because of it); Alice and Rosalie being OCD; Esme still trying so hard to get tears to come out of her eyes but succeeding instead at sounding like a dying goat; Jasper lying on the ground, still in a morphine-induced coma; and finally he saw Bella slumped in his closet; dead. He shrugged and headed toward the easy chair.

He grabbed the remote and flipped the football game on. When his team made a touchdown, he shouted, "Well, at least _somebody_ scored around here!"

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**I am not saying that anyone with a British accent is gay. In fact, I like British accents and would love to have a natural one myself. I am also not trying to insult anyone who is actually OCD. Sorry if I offended you.**

**Leave a review! Or a flame. This is one story that I'm very eager to see what kind of reception it gets, so leave either! **

**-LoRF**


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